Just Like A Ghost
by paraflymore
Summary: Its been a long time - at least it feels like that to Lila Dawson. Sure she is really good at pretending that she's okay, but she hasn't been the same since Dean Winchester left her in that hospital. -Part of the Fighting For Nothing Verse'-
1. The Worst Kind Of Heartache

SPN; Fighting For Nothing

By: Paraflymore

Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I do not own Supernatural and if I did I would be way nicer to them all.

A/N: It's back – are y'all as excited as I am? Anyways this first chapter will be taking place during the episode "Provenance" I am also very saddened to tell you that the Harvelle's will not be in this story – not that I don't LOVE (and miss) them terribly I just couldn't find a way to write them in. Another person that does not exist in this verse' is Miss Cassie Robinson :( I know I love her too, don't get me wrong, I just want Lila to be the only girl for Dean. So that's it I guess I will try to do a detailed time line for each chapter. Hopefully I don't confuse you guys. -Thanks for reading. The comments/likes/messages have been my favorite part of this story. Knowing someone is actually into what I'm writing makes me such a happy little cupcake. I Love You ALL!

Summary: Some times she even believed her charade.

Just Like A Ghost

Chapter One:

"The Worst Kind Of Heartache"

Sometimes she was whole.  
Sometimes she felt as if the pieces of her heart were shattered into a thousand pieces, and most times she never got them all back.  
Losing Dean was hard. But she was prepared for his inevitable void. She knew Dean Winchester was gold, and we all know what they say about gold...  
So here she was, twenty one, broke, and pretty much flat on her ass.  
But she was okay.  
As long as she was still drawing air into her lungs she would be okay.  
Her momma taught her that.  
Thinking of her now was bittersweet. She spent that first year without her trying to live her life to the fullest. Her and Del took an extended stay trip to Hawaii.  
Three weeks in the sun on the beach avoiding anything that had to do with the real world.  
She went skydiving – nearly puked her guts out on the way down but she did it. She got a new tattoo, a rose on her thigh with her mom's name. She looked at it all the time and tried to remember the way her voice sounded.  
Lila got pretty good at distracting herself from the pain.  
But some times it found its way to the surface.

Believe it or not, Lila loved to work.  
She thrived at her job. And even though she was just a bartender and some nights she got shitty tips and got hit on by every guy she waited on, she enjoyed her job.  
Del was a good boss, and not just because once upon a time she was her mother's best friend. They spent most of the night laughing and talking about the drunk people behind their backs.  
There was even a guy.  
 _Peter._  
He was nice and normal and he told her he loved her all the time.  
But there were ghosts inside Lila's heart.  
And one thing she knew to be true about ghosts is, they have to be vanquished.

She dreamt about him all the time.  
Like how he looked when he was driving down the open road, Led Zeppelin blaring on the radio. Or the way his mouth looked when he laughed, and how his whole entire face smiled.  
Dean Winchester was a heartache that Lila revisited all the time.  
Deliciously sweet torture.  
And yes, it broke her heart all over again when she woke up from one of those dreams only to realize that was all it was. But those dreams also made her life bearable.  
Once upon a time Lila Dawson had everything she ever wanted right at her finger tips. And he left her.  
In her head it was like this: Dean leaving was inevitable. He was not meant to be tied down or to stay in one place for long. He was a rambling man. Lila knew all of these things about him. She was trying this new thing where she took her mom's advice and she was trying to remind herself that she was better off without him.

It didn't make it hurt any less – but whatever.

"You feelin' okay doll?" Del asks her, flipping a dishtowel at her arm.  
Lila looked up from the notebook. It was slow and she was pretending to balance the register but really she was drawing a car, a black car, in the corner of the paper. "I didn't sleep much last night."  
Del smirks. She had such a beautiful face, even though she was well into her forties. When you commented on her beauty Del's response was always the same: _black don't crack honey._  
"Did Peter Rabbit keep you up all night?"  
Lila laughs, Del's little pet name for Peter was always hilarious, and she had been telling Del about Peter's... Stamina and she blurted it out, loud enough where the cooks in the back heard her.  
"No, actually Peter didn't come over last night."  
Del purses her lips together and eyes her. "I am completely ashamed of you,"  
"Why?"  
"You're young, you got a beautiful man and you didn't spend last night with him?"  
"You know sometimes people do actually enjoy being alone..."  
She rolls her eyes. "Keep tellin' yourself that honey."  
Lila looks back down at the paper, her eyes drawn to that black car. Had it really been almost three years since she saw him? Because most times it felt like it was longer and sometimes she felt like it was just yesterday...

She called him once after he left. She was drunk and that payphone seemed to be lit up like the fucking angels wanted her to call somebody.  
Of course she called him, who else did she have?  
It rang for what felt like hours. Then in his hoarse voice her answered, a muffled hello that made Lila's heart skip a beat.  
"I didn't mean to wake you..."  
"Lila? Is everything okay."  
"Yeah," she whispered, twirling her long hair around her finger. "I just- I don't know why I called you..."  
"Where are you?"  
"Doesn't matter. I'm sorry I bothered you."  
She slammed the receiver down so hard that it echoed in her ears.  
She was a fucking idiot.

Peter popped into her life not log after that phone call.

He was a regular at the bar and he was nice and funny and he had tattoos all up and down his arms. Lila was transfixed by his blue eyes from the moment she looked into them.  
He was just a nice, normal guy and he came into her life during a time when she needed someone the most.  
Best part about him was the fact that he cared about her.

Really truly cared.  
And that was kind of different for her. But some times different was just what you needed.

Some things never change

Lila took comfort in that fact – it was what kept her going most days.

She was still hurting and still grieving and still living half a life, but she was happy.

So it was about time for a Winchester to show up...

a/n: Sorry this chapter is so short - I just really wanted to post something tonight. Promise the next chapter will be twice as long... :)


	2. Sleep Walking

SPN; Fighting For Nothing

By: Paraflymore

Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I do not own Supernatural and if I did I would be way nicer to them all.

A/N: This chapter took so much longer than I ever intended it to. I have been so busy. It is getting close to the holidays and its hard for me to find time to sit down and write. But here it is guys :) I think I'm fudging up my timeline but I'm saying this chapter is taking place after "Provenance" and before "Dead Man's Blood" right around the time where John reunites with his sons.

Summary: They say time supposed to heal you, but she hasn't done much healing.

Just Like A Ghost

Chapter Two:

"Sleep Walking"

He still looked the same. Ruggedly handsome and just scary enough that not many people approached him. Lila spots him as soon as he walks through the door, her hairs stand on end and she can't help but wait and see if person who's name she had forgotten is with him.  
His eyes find hers and he smirks - Winchester's had a way of looking at you that just made you, forget you were pissed at them.  
She takes a deep breath and makes her way over to the table he's sitting at.  
Curious brown eyes scanning the entire room for him…  
"Hey, darlin'."  
"What can I get ya John?"  
"You still upset with me?"  
Upset was an understatement but she kept her poker face on. "All water under the bridge." of course she hadn't burned that bridge yet, she didn't think she ever could.  
"I'll take a whiskey, double on the rocks."  
She nods walking off towards the counter. Del is already eyeing her in that all knowing way Del does most everything. "Give me the word and he's outta here."  
Lila sighs, filling his cup up with Jim Beam because she knows he prefers Jack Daniels. "I got this."  
She walks back over to the table and sits the cup down in front of him. "So why are you here?"  
"Its been almost two years, I've been trying to find you for a while."  
"Why?" she snaps.  
"Because-" he takes a long drink of his whiskey, his nose wrinkling a bit when he realizes its not Jack. "I made a promise to your momma."  
Her heart wrenches. Sure, her and Del talked about her mom all the time, but hearing John talk about her hurt. And she can remember with perfect clarity the way her mom's blood looked on her hands.  
"I'm doing great John."  
He nods. "I can see that."  
She looks back over to Del, she's wiping the counter down her dark eyes trained on them.  
"I wanted to check in, make sure you were safe."  
She sits down across from him, stealing his whiskey and downing the rest of it. "Y'all just left me you know? Abandoned me when I needed y'all the most - it hurt really fucking bad." it still hurts.  
"We're trying to protect you darlin."  
She rolls her eyes. "That's a crock of shit."  
He smirks - she reminded him of Arlene when she used that less than lady like language. "You can't begin to understand the amount of bad luck that we carry with us,"  
"Oh, trust me. I get the gist of it."  
He winces. "I refuse to have you end up like your mom."  
She nods. This was a moot point. You could argue with his stubborn ass til you were blue in the face but it wouldn't change anything.  
Lila slid off the stool, standing up next to him. It was now or never.  
"How is he?"  
John half smiles. "He's okay."  
Was that all she was going to get?  
"He's hunting with his brother."  
Lila raises an eyebrow, "New development."  
John nods. "I told you darlin'-" he stands up, towering over her. "Winchester's are bad luck."  
"You say that like you're trying to convince yourself."  
He smirks. "Maybe I am…"  
She smirks, standing up to join him. "Now what you disappear into the sunset?"  
"There's some big things happening out there..."  
"Like what?"  
"Nothing you should concern yourself with." He tells her with a gruff in his voice that rubs her the wrong way.  
She crosses her arms over her chest. "You can't just say something like that to me John and expect me to take that as an answer."  
He sighs. "I know what happened now, I've known for a while."  
Lila feels her stomach jolt – he was talking about his wife, about Mary she could see the ghosts in his eyes. "That is big."  
He nods. "Its never been more dangerous to be around a Winchester."  
"Then why did you come here?"  
John leans in and kisses her on the forehead. "I had to make sure you were okay, darlin'."  
Lila looks up at him. She wanted to hate him, really she did, but she couldn't. He was the closest thing she had to a dad. So much more so than her own father in so many ways.  
He hands her a folded piece of paper and she doesn't bother looking at it. She knows its his number.  
"Call that number if you need anything."  
She nods. "Be careful, John."  
"I always am darlin'." he smirks, making his way to the bar to pay Del for his drink. "Beautiful as always Delphine."  
"Mhmm." she gives him the side eye and Lila can't help but laugh at her.  
She makes her way back up to the counter and notices He paid with a fifty dollar bill and left the change on the receipt for her.  
Lila smirks.  
"So, am I going to have to deal with these Winchester's as a regular occurrence now?"  
"Probably not." She tells her putting the money into the pocket of her apron.  
Del raises an eyebrow. "Well I don't mind watching them leave, that is for sure." She cackles out loud and the whole bar stops to look at her.  
Lila rolls her eyes and walks off to wait on some of her other tables that she had been ignoring since she spotted him.  
But she couldn't shake this feeling in her gut, like that would be the last time she saw him.

She's trying to not think about _him_. But he kept creeping back in, worming his way inside her brain at every turn.  
So it was kind of a lost cause.  
It had been so long and yet the memory of him was engraved into her memory.  
She's twirling that piece of paper around in her hand, trying to find the courage and the excuse to call that number.  
 _"Sorry John I think I have a ghost in my apartment."  
"Oh, I think there is another pack of werewolves after me."  
"John, sorry to bother but I do believe my neighbor is a shapeshifter."_  
But he would see right through it.  
And besides he wasn't the Winchester she wanted to talk to.  
She crumbled the number up and tossed it across the room.  
Fuck this.

She calls Peter – she needs to be reminded that she's alive and he could always make her feel that way. He's there within an hour, and he looks good enough to eat. His blue eyes were smiling and he held out the box of pizza to her with a lazy smirk on his lips.  
"I got extra cheese."  
But she was not interested in the pizza at all...  
Lila takes the box from him and sits it on the counter, she shuts the door to her apartment and presses Peter into the door, kissing him feverishly on the mouth.  
Its not like she is trying to forget about a certain someone or anything.  
But as he slid his hands under her shirt, something felt off.  
She knew damn well what it was too.  
"Did you miss me or something?" he asks, kissing down her neck.  
Not particularly, no.  
But she needed to distract herself from the folded up piece of paper on her dresser.  
She leads him to the couch, tugging his shirt off of him.  
He was complete opposite of him, tattoos all over his body, dark blue eyes and dark hair.  
And he used to do it for her, but she was just so…  
 _Discombobulated._  
It doesn't last as long as she needs it to but its satisfactory enough. She slides off of him grabbing a blanket and wrapping herself up with it.  
She is suddenly cold and not comfortable being naked around him anymore.  
"Damn," he says leaning his head back on the couch. "I fucking love you."  
She rolls herself tighter in the covers. "Why?"  
He scoffs. "What do you mean?"  
"Why do you love me?"  
He sits up, looking at her with a confused look on her face. "What's up your ass today?"  
"Fuck off."  
"Do you want me to leave?"  
She shakes her head. "Sorry I've just had a weird week…"  
He gets up and slips his boxers on. "I'm going to Florida for a few weeks, it's my mom's birthday. I've been wanting to ask you if you wanted to come with me?"  
"I hate Florida."  
He nods, sitting back on the couch to look at her. "What are we doing?"  
"Fucking..."  
Peter reaches for his cigarettes and Lila makes a noise in the back of her throat. "Can you please not smoke in here?"  
"Maybe I should just go."  
Lila sits up. "You probably have a lot of packing to do anyways."  
He nods, and she knows she hurt his feelings but she doesn't care. She felt like she was going to lose it any second and she didn't have time to worry about how he felt.  
"Maybe when I get back we can talk about what you want to come from this."  
She really didn't know what she wanted. Well, she did - she just couldn't have what she really wanted. "Look Peter you're a good guy and I really enjoy having sex with you but that's all it is for me. I can't give you anything else. I'm sorry."  
He nods reaching for his shirt.  
It wasn't like they did much more than that anyways. They watched movies sometimes - they both had a transformers obsession that she is pretty sure fueled most of their relationship.  
But it was never nothing serious.  
She didn't want it to be.  
"You know my number if you change your mind, enjoy the pizza." He says, buttoning his jeans and picking up his shoes.  
Lila nods, she sits there wrapped up in her blanket for what feels like an eternity. She hates the way she feels - like she didn't belong in her skin. By some sick twist of fate she was dropped into this alternate universe.  
How had her life gotten so messed up?  
She rises up from the couch still clutching the cover tightly around her. She picks up the stupid piece of paper and she dials his dumb number and she listens to the thing ring half a dozen times.  
"You've reached John Winchester, leave me a message and I will get back to you..."  
Her stomach dropped.  
She hangs up and calls again, maybe he's busy or not around his phone. She refuses to believe its anything else than that.  
"Dammit John, you can't just show up like that and then not answer your phone. I wanna help, please let me help." she spits it angrily into the phone.  
Angrily she throws her phone across the room.  
She needs a fucking shower, and a fucking brain swipe.  
She just wants to forget all about the Winchesters for a while…

Whiskey.  
It was her mother's cure all and Lila had come to realize that if there wasn't a problem in life that couldn't be solved by Jim or Jack.  
She was off that night and she might usually get drunk with the crowd at Del's but tonight she wanted something different. There was a dive bar right outside of town a place she went when she just wanted to forget herself for a while.  
Blue jean skirt and her cowboy boots that made her look way taller than she actually was.  
She looked good.  
Lila knew it by the way all the eyes in the room shift to her.  
She's already drunk but she orders a jack and coke, something to sip on while she found someone to distract her.  
It was such an easy game.  
"I got this one." A man says, almost appearing out of nowhere, he was handsome in all the ways she needed him to be.  
"Well thank you." She holds it up to cheers him. He's drinking a Budweiser and his flannel shirt is unbuttoned to an AC/DC t-shirt.  
He smirks and she swears it's almost as good as a Winchester's.  
"What's your name?"  
"Joan."  
He smirks. "Like the burning bush lady?"  
And yeah it was not the best pick up line she ever heard, but it wasn't the worst one either. "You wanna find that out for yourself?"  
He screwed her like his life depended on it, like he had been waiting his whole life to make her scream out to God and whoever else was listening.  
And fuck if she didn't even remember his damn name.  
She's sure he told her what it was – positive but nothing is ringing a bell to her.  
He's passed out in his bed, his apartment smelled like old socks and ball sweat and she is starting to feel sober again.  
The fuck was she doing?  
Her hands are shaking as she slides her boots back on.  
Lila knew – deep down inside that this wasn't really her. She was not this crazy party girl who hooked up with anything with a dick just to help her forget for a little while that she was sad.  
She was not this person.  
And she hated the look of her.

Janis is playing loudly on the radio.  
It had been a long time since she let herself listen to her.  
Maybe always reminded her of Dean. It was the song that was playing the first time they almost kissed, moments before her mom was attacked.  
The night everything in her life crumbled around her – but he was there – and he kept her from falling over the edge.  
He was her anchor.  
And that was why it hurt so much to be without him.  
What started out as some school girl crush had turned into something she never thought possible. Being in love like that, it wasn't something she was ever going to find with anyone else.  
She knows this like she knows the sky is blue.  
Lila Dawson was living half a life with half a heart – and it was fucking exhausting.

She's doing the dishes, Del was making googly eyes at her latest boyfriend Bradford, who like to be called Brad and was about twenty years younger than her and a delicious piece of chocolate – Del's words not hers.  
Lila is trying to ignore this whole fucking romantic vibe the two of them were exuding. It had been weeks – months since she heard from John.  
His phone was still going to voicemail and she was worried about him.  
 _"There's some big things happening out there..."_  
And that was all she could think about.  
What was happening? Were they all safe? Was she safe?  
It was maddening.  
"Lila honey – I've got a shipment coming in the morning can you handle it?"  
"By myself?" She asks, raising an eyebrow.  
"It's just a few cases of beer, we have a dolley."  
"Fine. But you better pay me over time."  
Brad smiles and nods, "There you go."  
Del smacks his arm. "You hush your fine ass up."  
Lila rolls her eyes. "I get this weekend off right?"  
She eyes her – Lila swears sometimes she is channeling Arlene Dawson when she looks at her that way. "You going to that bar again?"  
"So what if I am?"  
"Well little girl I don't want to have to help you take care of a baby and I also don't want to hold your hand while they give you a shot in your ass for the clap."  
Brad's lips are in a hard line and Lila can tell he is fighting the urge to laugh.  
She doesn't really have a comeback for that one. She knows Del's right, she is always right – even when she's wrong.  
"I can take care of myself."  
Del smirks. "Why does it sound like your trying to convince yourself of that?"

a/n: next chapter is coming shortly :) pinky promie


	3. Break My Fucking Heart

SPN; Fighting For Nothing

By: Paraflymore

Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I do not own Supernatural and if I did I would be way nicer to them all.

A/N: I am doing a bit of a time jump all the way to Season 2 "Everybody Loves A Clown" I hope that it makes sense to you guys if not I am really sorry my headcannon for this story is ALL OVER THE PLACE. Also – pardon my language the F word is my favorite and I just like to think its theirs too.

Summary: Looking at you hurts.

Just Like A Ghost  
Chapter Three:  
"Break My Fucking Heart"

The message was cryptic as fuck.  
He heard her voice and it was like everything sort of clicked inside of him.  
"John, you can't just show up like that and then not answer your phone. I wanna help, please let me help."  
And fuck him if he wasn't two seconds away from hunting her down.  
"Who was that?" Sam asks, "You look like you've seen a ghost.  
He kinda had.  
"It's Lila Dawson." Dean tells him, sounding defeated/  
Sam smirks. "Lila, Lila as in Lila and Arlene Dawson?"  
"Yeah."  
"I haven't talked to Lila in years…"  
He isn't jealous or anything. "Me either."  
Sam eyes him. "When's the last time you talked to her?"  
"Couple years ago, Dad was banged up real bad from this Werewolf gig and I had to take him to Arlene's to get fixed up."  
"And that was it?"  
Dean stands up, wiping the sweat from his brow. "Why do you ask Sam?"  
"You just got this strange look on your face when you heard that message."  
He turns away from him.  
"Don't tell me you and Lila - no way!"  
"Shut up Sam."  
Sam laughs, "You and Lila, wow man that's - please tell me she was legal."  
"Really?"  
He shrugs. "You never know with you."  
Dean scoffs, picking up a wrench he honestly forgot what he was doing for a minute and he just stared at the ground for a minute – trying not to picture her face.  
"It wasn't a big deal." He breathes.  
"Big deal? She had a crush on you since we were kids."  
"I said shuddup Sam."  
"Fine." He puts his hands in his pockets and looks down at his brother. Dean had been fixing the Impala up for weeks. It was a hot summer day and he was sweltering after just being outside for ten minutes. "I ran a trace on the number…"  
Dean looks up at him. "Good for you Sam."  
"Arent you curious about what she wanted to help him with?"  
He shakes his head. "We need to stay away from Lila okay? Its not safe for her and I don't wanna drag her in this."  
"What of she knows something?"  
"Dad wouldn't have told her anything serious Sam. He was on me with this. Keeping her safe."  
Sam raises an eyebrow. "What the hell happened between the two of you?"  
Dean slams a wrench down on the hood of the Impala. "Drop it Sam."  
He sighs.  
"Whatever it was it ended badly. I almost got her killed and I'm not letting that happen again."  
"Dean, if she knows something about dad we have to check it out."  
Lila Dawson was off limits. He knows this, perfected it into a mantra over the past two years. It still hurt him, still felt like he walked away from her yesterday. But he buried it, he buried it so fucking deep he was surprised how it always found its way to the surface.  
But Sam was right.  
If Lila knew something about his dad he couldn't just ignore it because of his pride.

Sam got the story out him pretty easily after that. The clan of werewolves, the alphas hell bent on making Lila their mate. Arlene's death. That one hurt a little more than he expected. Arlene Dawson was happy memories of Sam's childhood. One of the closest things he ever had to a mom figure in his life.  
"And dad just let you stay there?"  
Dean nods, knuckles tightening over the steering wheel of Bobby's old van. "He knew we couldn't leave her alone. I'm pretty sure he didn't trust me, but he was more concerned about her."  
He thinks it over. The concept of Dean and Lila was hard for Sam to grasp. She was barely thirteen the last time Sam remembered seeing her and he just always pictured her like that. He never thought of Lila as anything but a sister, like he could even hold a candle to Dean when it came to her. She was so in awe of his brother it got annoying at times.  
"So how did it happen?"  
"How'd what happen?"  
"You and her? I mean spare me the details but she's like our sister."  
He sighs. "I wouldn't say sister… She was like a third cousin twice removed or something."  
"Whatever," Sam says, ready to call him on his bluff.  
"You slept with her I get that. It was honestly a long time coming." Dean raises an eyebrow but he chooses to ignore it and continues. "But it was more than that, right?"  
The hard set in his brother's jaw is the answer.  
Dean was - is - in love with her.  
He chuckles, swatting Dean's arm and falls back on his seat.  
"What's so funny Sam?"  
He shakes his head. "Nothing."  
It wasn't that he thought his brother was some stone cold heartless person. If anything, hunting with Dean that past year had proved him the opposite. Some how his brother had turned into a big softy.  
It was weird.  
But now it made sense.  
It was because of Lila.

She had a shitty night. Being groped and hollered at by every drunk guy in the bar. Listening to them play Sweet Home Alabama on repeat in the jukebox. She was tired - going on just about three hours of sleep.  
Lila was never fully satisfied unless she got at least six hours a night.  
So to say she wasn't in the best mood would be an understatement. She hadn't been sleeping much lately and when she did she was having dreams about black eyes and bloody hands.  
She hears the bell above the door ring and she about jumps out of her skin.  
Fifty-fifty chance it was a demon.  
She barrels through the kitchen door, cocking the gun and aiming it at the two figures in front of her. They turn around, one of them smirking at her the other one trying not to meet her eyes.  
Fucking Winchesters.  
"What the fuck?"  
"Its good to see you too Lila." Sam says giving her his best puppy dog grin.  
She drops the gun on the counter and notices then that both of them look pretty beat up, Dean even has a scar over his forehead that honestly scared the crap out of her.  
"You two look like shit."  
Sam smirks. "We were in an accident a few weeks ago."  
Lila's eyes cannot help but to cut towards him. His hands fumbles nervously with the zipper on his jacket.  
"When was the last time you saw him?" He finally asks, stepping closer.  
She shrugs, looking down at his feet. "Last month. He came by here to check on me he said, he gave me his number but he hasn't been answering his phone." Her eyes snap up to Sam's. "Is he okay?"  
By the way Dean's whole body changes she knows the answer before they even say it. A sinking feeling washes over her and suddenly its hard to breathe.  
"I guess the demon got him before he got it…" Dean says.  
And Lila has to sit down after that. She just saw him less than a month ago. She could still smell the whiskey and the gun powder.  
"I'm sorry." She whispers, "I'm so sorry."  
She's talking to him and he knows it - but he chooses to stay silent.  
Sam touches her back soothingly. "Its okay."  
"I feel like I just talked to him…"  
"What did he say?"  
"Not much – he was pretty vague about everything. He said something big was happening."  
"He didn't tell you what?" Sam asks her, praying he might have let something slip.  
She shook her head. "He was vague as usual." Lila stood up, and went behind the counter. "I can't believe he's gone." she picks up a bottle of whiskey.  
Jack Daniels.  
She grabs three glasses sits them all in a row and the she decides to pull out another one. Fighting the tears behind her eyes. And she swears she sees Dean smirk at her from from the other side of the bar as she pours them all full.  
"Its not even noon." Sam says eyeing her. And she doesn't have too look to see that Dean is already holding his.  
"Don't make me kick your ass little Winchester."  
He chuckles he hasn't been referred to as the little Winchester on a long time. "Oh really you haven't grown an inch since the last time I saw you."  
She rolls her eyes, sliding the glass towards him. And in that instant that she looks up from the glasses and he's looking at her.  
Right at her too, with those pretty green eyes and that lazy sort of slant to his mouth.  
He was so effortlessly beautiful.  
And it caught her off guard every time.  
"To John," she manages to choke out.  
"To dad-" Sam adds lifting his glass to join hers. His dark green eyes were glistening for just a moment with tears.  
She won't look up at him again because once had already ruined her. Even though one of her momma's old superstitions is that while you're making a toast you have to make eye contact or it will ruin your friendship with that person.  
Too late for that one…  
But then again, were they ever really friends?  
Lila downs her shot so quickly and it burns like fire on its way down. Dean takes his in a swallow and she's transfixed on the way his jaw muscle moves behind his tanned skin.  
Was it really necessary for him to be so hot?  
Like sun scorching, burn your eyeballs hot.  
She wipes the side of her mouth remembering the way his pulse felt against her lips.  
Shit.

It was like watching a movie.  
Like a really lame Nicholas Sparks movie that Jess used to make him watch.  
Yeah - exactly like that.  
Lila was distracted by him, her sentences wandered off and her eyes would stray to him - whatever it was he might be doing one time she looked over and he was literally scratching his ass.  
And she smiled like it was the most charming thing.  
It was like they were kids again.  
Lila was really his best friend as they were growing up. She was close enough to his age where they always seemed to be interested in the same things. She used to write when they were kids, short stories and fairy tales. He always loved to read them.  
Any time he had spent at the Dawson home had been the happy memories.  
"I'm sorry to hear about your mom." he says, drawing her attention back to him from his brother.  
Lila's face grows solemn, "thanks Sam."  
He nods. "She was always kind to me."  
"She loved you Sam. I always used to think more than me sometimes.  
He chuckles.  
"I'm serious, remember when we were in the same class?"  
God did he. He went to that school for the whole year. Never happened again.  
The small town had split classes because the elementary schools were so small.  
She was a know it all back then. He remembered that she always had her hair braided into pigtails with a different color bow to match her outfit everyday. She was that kid in class who knew the answer to everything.  
And then she failed a history test.  
And Sam got a perfect score.  
"It wasn't my fault that I couldn't say four score and seven years ago without getting tongue tied. I was eight."  
He laughs.  
And he hears Dean finally get bored with the pool table. He slams the stick down and sighs.  
"You two done skipping down memory lane we got work to do."  
Lila rolls her eyes. He was being a dick again. And she always got annoyed with asshole Dean.  
"You got a case?"  
He nods. "Bobby texted me about this case in … A string of murders."  
"Are you talking about the clowns?"  
Sam stiffens and Lila smirks.  
They had watched IT together once and it did not end pretty for Sam.  
Dean eyes her.  
She smirks. "What? Don't think I've given up the life completely…"  
His eyes look like they are going bulge right out his head. "You what?"  
She resists the urge to laugh. She was enjoying getting a rise out of him. "I've been known to skim a newspaper or two from time to time. Especially lately because you Winchesters keep showing up." She grabs her and Sam's glasses off the counter and storms off behind the counter and slams them into the sink. So hard he really thinks she broke them.  
"Well you don't have to worry about that happening again." He snaps, regretting it the moment he sees the hurt in her eyes.  
"Well good Dean I hope you have a great fucking life too."  
He scoffs. His eyes cut to Sam and he knows its his queue to exit stage left.  
Lila doesn't even notice him slip out the door. He pulls his cell out of his back pocket and calls Bobby. He needs to know more about this case.

She's steaming mad.  
And it has been so long since he's seen this side of her. Her anger was so intense she was shaking like she was going to hulk out on him any second.  
"Just fucking go, just please get out of my sight I can't stand to look at you." And now she's crying and she's picking up broken glass out of the sink. She winces and stomps her foot like a literal three year old. "Fuck." She yells out.  
On pure instinct he's behind the counter grabbing a dishtowel and covering the blood up. Their eyes meet and they're so close, he can feel the warmth coming from her.  
This was a mistake.  
Touching her, wanting her, needing her.  
But he hadn't been able to get warm in years…  
"I don't want you to leave." She whispers.  
Dean sighs, he doesn't want to leave her either. He used all his courage the last time. And he was way past empty.  
Her hand tightens inside his. "I don't wanna fight with you." her voice trails off and her eyes are looking at his lips. Her teeth graze over her bottom lip. "Do I need stitches?" she asks breathlessly.  
He moves the towel. She isn't cut very badly she just bleeds a lot. He remembers that, those nurses must have said it a thousand times while she was unconscious in that hospital.  
"Just a scratch." He whispers.  
Lila pulls her hand away and scurries off into the kitchen. She's crying again and it breaks him in two.  
He pushes through the kitchen doors and she is digging through the first aid kit with her good hand the blood had ran through the rag onto her shirt. He picks up the thing of gauze and reaches for her hand. She meets his eyes with tear filled brown puddles.  
He can't fucking deal. "Lila, let me help you."  
"It hurts to look at you."  
He sighs. She was drunk. That explains a lot of things. He didn't even see her drink that much.  
"How much did you drink?"  
"Shuddup." she hiccups.  
He wraps her finger in gauze and the starts wrapping the bandages around it tightly.  
"I hate you." she whispers.  
"Good." he nods, snipping the bandage off and then taping it.  
"That's what you want isn't it? You want me to hate you!"  
His eyes snap to hers. She was pissed again.  
And he was starting to get dizzy.  
"I'm up in this shit to my neck Lila. I can't deal with this crap right now."  
She snatches her hand away. "Fine let's just sweep it under the rug forget it ever happened. I know you're hurting Dean, believe me I am hurting too but you pushing me away again isn't going to make you feel any better. We all need someone whether we admit it or not."  
He nods. "Yeah maybe."  
She sighs. "I'm really sorry that he's gone."  
His eyes drift away from hers. "Thanks."  
"Dean?"  
He looks at her again.  
"Take care of yourselves okay?"  
He nods. "You too."  
He leaves his number on an old receipt and puts it in one of the glasses on the bar.  
And he tells himself that its just in case something happens to her, no other reason at all.

She passes out on the couch in the back room being shook awake by Brad "Lila why do you have a shot gun?" He asks, stepping back from her.  
She rolls her eyes, adjusting her shirt. "I needed a cuddle buddy."  
"Lila!" Del yells from out in the bar.  
Yeah she never cleaned up her mess - and she was pretty sure there was blood still in the sink.  
"I thought you were going to clean this place up?"  
"Yeah, I was resting my eyes and then bam I was asleep, what year is this?"  
Del was not amused. She grabs her cheeks and pulls her in taking a whiff of her breath. "Whiskey? Really I thought we quit drinking?"  
"I just had a glass okay?"  
"This morning?"  
"Del please I swear its not a big deal."  
She points to her finger accusingly. "What happened?"  
"I broke a glass." and Lila notices then that there is blood on her shirt.  
"Do I really have to babysit you?" she says jokingly but Lila knows there is some truth behind it.  
She sighs. It was really pointless to lie to her, Del always found out. "John Winchester is dead."  
Del's eyes soften and she reaches out to touch her face. "I'm sorry,"  
Lila fights the urge to tear up. "I'm okay - it just sucks."  
"I know it does honey." she brushes her hair back. "Why don't you take the night off?"  
She wasn't going to argue with her. She felt like shit, like dog shit someone had stepped in.  
"Thanks Del." She grabs her bag from the kitchen and heads towards the door.  
"Lila?" Brad says, holding out a receipt to her. "It has your name on it."  
She takes the paper, looking down at the numbers scrawled across the back of the receipt.  
Fuck


	4. Born For Leavin'

SPN; Fighting For Nothing

By: Paraflymore

Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I do not own Supernatural and if I did I would be way nicer to them all. Also from here on out I will be using some of the dialogue from the show – just cause I am lazy and there are certain things I don't want to change.

A/N: I re-wrote this chapter because I didn't like how I ended things and most things are the same so if you have been reading it I would suggest just to re-read the ending at least because that's what I changed the most. Hope you enjoy and the next part in the story will be posted tonight no if ands or butts about it :)

Timeline: This chapter is taking place during "No Exit"

Summary: Some times walking away was the only option

Just Like a Ghost  
Chapter Four:  
"Born For Leaving"

Days turned into weeks - They were living in slow motion. Sure there were laughs and good hunts but there was a dark shadow that followed him around.

A destiny that was creeping through the dark to get to them.

Dean was always watching Sam, waiting, wondering of today would be the day he was gonna go dark side.

He could feel it swirling in the pit of his stomach, leaning over the toilet to throw up everything he drank last night.

He was picturing that waitress, all the ways she let him take her.

And no matter how hard he screwed her, he couldn't think of anything but Lila.

Dean presses his face to the cool ceramic toilet seat, trying to will himself back to the land of the living. He hadn't been this hungover since he was a teenager.

Sam was out getting coffee, he thinks some times his brother just liked to have something to do. Something to distract him from everything that was going on. If it wasn't coffee it was donuts if it wasn't donuts it was waffle house.

He raises up, reaching inside the shower to turn it on.

" _Looking at you hurts."_

It had been echoing in his head ever since she said it.

The hot water seems to be doing the trick and he's thinking if only he could just stay in this shower forever.

And then he hears Sam.

"I got your hangover cure." He calls from the other room, sounding way to cheery early in the morning.

He smirks.

He _was_ starting to get hungry.

McGriddles.

The epitome of hangover cures.

He's gnawing into one when Sam starts spitting off about this case. He says its more than likely a vengeful spirit, but it could be some type of satanic ritual. Could be something to lead them to the "All the girls have been abducted from the same a apartment complex. The girls are 18 to 25. It only happens every few decades so cops never catch the pattern."  
"Sounds like our kind of gig."

"Philadelphia is about a seven hour drive if we leave now."

Dean takes a bite of his sandwich and shrugs. "I could go for a cheese steak anyways."

Sam smirks. His brother was an expert at deflecting – but even though he could tell he was hurting he wouldn't bring it up. Not until Dean offered him something

And knowing him, that might never happen.

It wasn't often that she took a case.  
She had maybe taken three since she had been living with Del.  
They had to be very specific.  
And this one fell right into her criteria.  
Girls going missing from the same apartment building.  
And yeah it could very well be a spirit or a demon or something more sinister.  
But she had to check it out, to make sure it wasn't that pack.  
So she packs up her silver bullets. She bought them in bulk from this guy her mom knew. She had the hunter's cornucopia for odd an unusual weapons with her mother's address book.  
And they were all willing to do anything for Arlene's daughter.  
She tells Del she's going out of town, she makes sure to do it when the bar is busy so Del doesn't give her too much crap.  
"You better be careful and call me the minute you find out something."  
She nods, stealing a bottle of water from the ice bucket Del kept their for the cooks and the wait staff. She hugs her quickly and makes her way out the door.

It seems normal enough.  
She's getting showed the apartment in the building, same one that the last victim went missing in. The landlord, Ed, is pretty hushed about what had happened he gets a little squirmy when Lila brings up the last tenant.  
"She skipped out on the last months rent-"  
And when they turn the corner she comes face to face with them.  
 _What the fuck?_  
"Guys," She says excitedly, trying to play it off. "I'm glad you're here."  
She smiles at them widely and both of them look at her like she's lost her mind.  
Maybe she had...  
Dean gives her the death glare.  
"These are my brothers, Sam and Dean." she says trying to ignore the way his name feels like glass in her throat.  
"How did you get in here?"  
"It was unlocked," Dean tells him, nodding reassuringly.  
"I'll take it." Lila says handing the man a wad of cash. She still had a small fortune left from her mom and her tips were pretty good at Del's.

"I call the bed." She tells him, sitting her bag on the table.  
"Who says you're staying?" Dean says looking at her from across the room.  
"No way your kicking me off my own hunt."  
"Your hunt?" He scoffs, looking at her like she was a kid again.  
"I was here first." she stomps her foot again and he won't admit its adorable.  
"She _was_ here first Dean, _and_ she paid for the apartment."  
"Shuddup Sam."  
Dean pretends not to notice him smirk, he had bigger fish to fry.  
"In case you haven't noticed your exactly our monsters type."  
"Why do you think I'm here genius?"  
He scoffs.  
"Besides haven't we established that I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself?"  
"We could use the help." Sam offers.  
"Sam..." Dean's voice sounds pained as it makes its way from his throat.  
Lila rolls her eyes. "You're a real piece of work you know?"  
"Oh I'm a piece of work? You just take off and go on hunting trips all the time?"  
"When it fits into my criteria i do."  
"Criteria?"  
"I make sure its not that pack trying to reemerge." The hard set to her jaw is the only thing that keeps him from pushing her any further. He just hated that she still carried that crap with her.  
"The lunar cycles don't fit."  
She shrugs. "They didn't fit last fucking time Dean."  
He scrubs his hand down his face. "We found ectoplasm when we first got here. Its a vengeful spirit."  
She rolls her eyes. "Well good I'm glad you guys found the first clue. What else you got?" Lila slides into the chair next to Sam as he is turning his laptop on.  
"Sam can I talk to you for a minute."  
"Hold on,"  
"Now Sam."  
He sighs and stands up to follow him into the other room.  
"She's not staying."  
"Come on, she's already here."  
"She's not hunting. _No fucking way_. Not with us, not again."  
"What are you gonna do Dean? Drag her out of here?"  
He just might...  
It wasn't like he didn't want her there. He missed her, he wished things were different, but they weren't. And he had to do whatever he could to keep her safe.  
And he could not take her getting hurt again.  
They walk back into the kitchen and she is playing with his EMF meter. He wants to snatch it from her, but she looks up at him a playful smirk on her lips and he looses all his nerve. "We should start looking around don't you think?"  
He sighs. "You're not gonna leave are you?"  
She shakes her head. "Nope. You gonna try and make me?"  
"Fill her in on what you got Sam, I'm gonna go get some coffee." He needed to get the hell out of there before he snapped. "Don't let her out of your sight." He tells him seriously.

"He's mad." Lila says as the door shuts behind him.  
Sam nods. "Yeah but he'll get over it." He opens the files in his computer and she turns the EMF off. "Have you ever hunted a vengeful spirit before?"  
She nods, "Just when we were kids."  
He chuckles. "I forgot dad used to take you on hunts."  
"Ghosts were easy, I guess." She shrugs, leaning in to look at the computer screen. "You really know your stuff huh Sam?"  
He shrugs, clicking on the original news story. "I used to have to do all the research for dad, he said I was the best at it so I always got stuck doing it."  
"Sounds like your dad."  
He nods, but it still hurt a little bit to talk about him. He felt guilty for not always being a good son.  
She let out a deep breath. "Maybe we should do a sweep of the building, try and figure out whats keeping this things here."  
"We should wait for Dean to get back."  
Lila nods, "Oh right, my babysitter..."  
"Mine too."  
She laughs. "So what did he tell you about us?"  
He sighs. "Not much, just that it got pretty serious."  
Lila looks away, and Sam can't help but think that she looks like she wants to bolt.  
"But even if he didn't say anything I would be able to tell, its kind of obvious."  
"No its not." She scoffs.  
"Yeah. Its like I'm watching a bad soap opera." He chuckles.  
She swats his arm and gets up from the table.  
"For what its worth I think he's sorry for how it ended, I can tell it bothers him."  
Lila turns around, hands on her hips and glares at him. "No offense Sam but I don't believe that for a second..."

She walks silently beside him, EMF in hand, scanning the hallways for some sign of this spirit. Of course when Sam offered that they split up Dean came along with her, walking in step beside her.  
"You buying me dinner?" She asks, flipping her hair over her shoulder and glaring at him.  
"Huh?" He asks, completely lost.  
"You know its only decent if your gonna ride me this close."  
He shakes his head. "Good one."  
She sighs, turning the EMF off and pushing past him. "Can't you just back off?"  
"I'm not leaving you alone."  
Lila rolls her eyes. She wasn't even going to make a comment about that one. She's thinking that its not even worth it anymore when she gets a whiff of something she can't quite put her finger on. "Do you smell that?"  
Dean sniffs at the air, his eyes meet hers and he looks surprised. "Yeah, what is it?"  
"You tell me genius." She turns the EMF back on and starts scanning around, it goes crazy next to an air vent. She sighs, of course there was something inside the air vent.  
Fuck.  
"Its in there," She tells him, leaning down to see if she can get the cover off.  
He kneels down next to her, Swiss army knife in hand, and starts unscrewing the screws.  
"You are such a boy scout."  
He eyes her and she laughs, despite the fact that she hates him.  
Once he gets it off, he hands her the flashlight and she shines it inside while he looks inside. They end up way closer than either of them intended to be, their bodies touching, the electricity between them was charged with emotions.  
Lila is thinking that it should be more awkward or something but she just felt a sense of calm being this close to him. A feeling she had long since forgotten.  
And then he pulls out a hunk of hair, still attached to a piece of scalp and it kind of kills the mood.  
"Congrats on your first clue."  
"Gross." She says, backing away from him.  
He smirks. "Looks like someone is keeping souvenirs."  
"Yeah, really creepy souvenirs." She stands up, wiping her hands on the front of her jeans.  
Dean follows suit, pulling a baggy out of his back pocket and sticking the clue inside.

She's twirling small hand gun around on the table, eyes trained on the metal.  
"Is that thing loaded?" He asks, looking at her like she is a crazy person.  
She rolls her eyes and slides it towards him. "It was my mom's," She says with a far away look in her eye. "She robbed a bank with it before I was born."  
His eyebrow shoots up. "No way."  
Lila laughs. "Yeah she got away with millions."  
He really didn't put anything past Arlene Dawson.  
"I keep it with me, its just a part of her or something."  
Dean nods. "I know what you mean."  
"People say that it gets easier, living without someone. But its bullshit. It always hurts."  
He wishes he could touch her hand, offering her some sort of comfort, but instead he crosses his arms over his chest and pretends to glance at the blueprints.  
"I keep thinking about the last time I saw him," She whispers. "It was like he knew that it would be the last time we saw each other, like we he was saying goodbye."  
Dean's eyes meet hers with intensity and she wants to look away but she forces herself not to.  
"He knew a lot of things..."  
"What do you mean?"  
Its echoing in his head, those words his dad whispered into his ear before he died. Those fucking words that were haunting him.  
Sam comes through the door holding a big box and a drink tray with three coffees.  
Perfect timing.  
Dean runs his hand through his hair and steps away from the table. He was so close to spilling his guts to her. Something about her always made him feel comfortable, and saying things he never said to another human being was just second nature.  
"I got donuts."  
"Custard or creme?" Dean asks him focusing on the donuts instead of the elephant in the room.  
"Coffee?" she asks, standing off to the other side of him. He hands her a cup. "They really laughed when I asked for fourteen sugars and ten creams."  
Lila shrugs. "I like my coffee sweet."  
He catches Dean smirking at her. It was going to be like this the entire time. The two of them were going to just keep pretending like they didn't want the other one.  
And he was going to keep having to try not to barf.

The more digging Sam does the more he realizes that they aren't just dealing with some random ghost, but something way more sinister.  
"Herman Webster Mudgett," He tells them. "It was H.H. Holmes' real name."  
"Seriously?" Dean says, looking at him. "Well you sure know how to pick em' Sam."  
Lila is pacing the floor, looking at them both with an unreadable expression. "This is fucking big."  
"So where is he buried?"  
"That's the thing, his body is in town, but its encased in concrete. He was worried someone would desecrate his grave."  
"Well that is just awesome."  
Lila smirks. "I think I have an idea actually, Holmes' turned his house into like this murder castle right?" She asks, looking at Sam for conformation, he nods and she continues. "Acid vats and trap doors and stuff. He even kept people in the walls and let them starve to death."  
Dean raises and eyebrow.  
"I watch a lot of History Channel." She tells him with a shrug.  
"Okay, lets check the walls." He says it even though it feels like a bad idea.

And it was a fucking colossal bad idea.

He lets her out of his sight for five minutes, and she looks over her shoulder and smiles at him before she dissapears into the dark and he is thinking to himself that he loves her and then he hears her screaming.

Then all the life leaves his body.

Fucking shit.  
He couldn't breathe as he makes his way back to the apartment, Sam was waiting inside but Dean pushes past him and opens up his duffel bag and pulls out an ax.  
Sam grabs him then. 

"What the hell are you doing?"  
"I'm gonna just start breaking down the walls til I find her."  
He lets out a breath and reaches for the ax. "I think I found something, just breathe okay. We are gonna find her."

She can hear water dripping somewhere, and it smells musty and dank. Wherever she is, its not good.  
Her head is pounding something awful and all she can think about was Dean and how he was probably losing his shit right now.  
And then she hears someone crying.  
"Hello?"  
"IS anyone there?" It was definitely female, probably the last girl who went missing.  
"Your name's Teresa right?" Lila asks, adjusting herself to try and peak out of the small hole.  
"He's out there, he's gonna kill us."  
Lila squeezes her eyes shut and breathes in a deep breath. "We're gonna be okay, my friends are looking for us. We're gonna get you out of here I promise."  
And then she starts screaming again.  
"You're so pretty, so beautiful..."  
She smells him before she sees him. Mr. Holmes himself looking at her through the hole in her cage. She is paralyzed with fear he reaches inside the small opening to touch her.  
She remembers the knife in her boot and she reaches for it, pulling it out to stab him in the hand. It wails and disappears with a puff of smoke.  
"Pure iron you creepy son of a bitch."  
"Is he gone?" Teresa asks.  
"I don't know-"  
And then its hand is right over her mouth, holding her nose shut. Suffocating her.  
She's pissed.  
Because this is not how she wants to go out, not like this, not without a chance to fight.  
Lila tries to scream, tries to fight it off but the thing had some kind of control over her, keeping her still and unable to move, like one of those bad dreams that you can't wake up from.  
Then she hears a shotgun go off.

He opens the door and pulls her out and she can't help but throw her arms around his neck.

He fucking saved her, _again_.

They really had no other option but to bait him out again. So she sits on the ground in the middle of that dank sewer and waits, praying that it will happen quickly and be over with soon. She did not think she could sit there any longer.  
She can hear it breathing and it was a noise that would haunt her dreams for the rest of her life.  
"Now." Dean yells and she rolls out of the way and through the opening where they were waiting.  
Now he was trapped, and she could still hear the screeching as they made their way to the surface.

Somehow they end up alone, packing up and Lila can't help but wish he would speak to her, or at least acknowledge her existence.  
"You okay?" She asks him finally, unable to take the silence any longer.  
Dean works his jaw. "I should have never let you out of my sight."  
"I'm okay Dean. The monster is defeated and we saved someone Dean. Isn't that what hunters do?"  
"You're not a hunter." He says, zipping up his duffle bag.  
"Fuck you." She breathescloses her eyes. "Dean, I lo-."  
His lips come crashing down on hers before she can even get the rest of it out. Her hands land softly on his chest and almost immediately she feels as if she is going to float right away.  
She was gonna say it, she was gonna take that leap with no guarantee that he would catch her.  
But now his lips are working down her jaw and all she can think about is getting closer. She tugs him in by his shoulder her other hand finding the back of his neck, fingers filtering into his hair.  
Oh she had missed this rush, nothing else came close to this.  
Ever.  
Her back hits the wall and he pulls her leg up and situates his leg between them. She loved being treated like she was his, like in some twisted way she belonged to him.  
And she did.  
"Please," she breathes out, tongue flicking out to tease the pulse on his neck.  
He swings her around grabbing her other leg somewhere in the process.  
Without another breath he is unzipping her pants and her hands are shaking as she pulls her shirt over her head.  
Mistake.  
She had forgotten about the scars.  
That werewolf had left her with a souvenir of the worst time of her life.  
He lets out a deep, painful breath.  
"Dean..."  
He turns away, shut off from her again.  
"This is a mistake."  
She rolls off the bed and puts her shirt back on. "Maybe it is."  
"Fuck me? For wanting to keep you safe right, you of all people should know I can't have your blood on my hands, not again."  
"Don't. Don't make this about just you. You had a choice and you just left me, abandoned me when I needed you the most." her voice rises in anger and Dean looks shaken, like he could bulldozer through a wall with his bare hands.  
"I left to keep you safe."  
"You know damn good and well that you only left me because your dad told you to."  
And the words fall between them and Lila regrets saying them. Dean doesn't won't look at her now.  
Neither of them speak for what feels like an eternity.  
She feels like she is gonna be sick looking at him. "I'm sorry." she whispers.  
He shakes his head. "Stop apologizing to me please."  
Lila sighs, running her hand through her damp hair. "I don't know how to do this."  
"Me either."  
"I can't just pretend it didn't happen, that you didn't fucking break me when you left me in that hospital."  
"You're right."  
She shakes her head.  
"I only left you because he told me to."  
"Dean,"  
He shakes his head. "I did whatever he told me to, even of I knew it was wrong."  
She wants to reach for him, but she isn't sure if he will let her touch him.  
"I'm sorry that it ended like that. But don't think for a fucking fraction of a second that it was easy for me to do it because it broke me too..."  
"Good." and she won't admit that she just wanted to hear him say it out loud.  
He sighs and its like he subconsciously moves closer to her.  
Those dam green eyes are inches away.  
 _Oh. No._  
He was too close and it had been so long since she got a look at those beautiful eyes up close.  
 _Shit._  
"Can you ever forgive me?"  
She nods slowly, looking down at the floor to keep herself from slipping. She grabs her bag off the bed and throws it over her shoulder.  
Dean lets out a slow, painful breath unable to find something to say. There wasn't anything he could say really, nothing could fix this rift between them and really he had so many other things going on that he didn't think that adding this to the pile of crap was even worth his energy.  
He had to let her go.  
 _Again._  
Even if it hurt.  
"Guess this is goodbye then..." Lila says, looking right into his eyes.  
If he walks away this time she's done – at least that's what she tells herself as he leans in and kisses her forehead.  
 _Things could be different_ \- she knows this is true but she understood why they couldn't be together. He was not the type to stay tied down. He was a rambling man and it was a hard habit to break. Something ingrained in him deeply.

Lila says goodbye to Sam quickly because she thinks she is going to break down any second and she needs to do it in private. She doesn't want to leave them – but she knows that she has to let him go.

 _Even if it breaks her._

Because sometimes walking away was the only thing that made sense.  
...

 **I think this is where I will end this part of the story. Do not fret more is coming tonight I pinky promise ;)**


End file.
